I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
