im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
