I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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