Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
