I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
