Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He passed out mid-signature
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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