i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
