Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
