We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
