Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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