I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
