he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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