Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
