In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
