I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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