Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
