You smell like a Billy Joel song
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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