Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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