I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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