I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
