So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
