she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
