I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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