i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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