***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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