i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
