Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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