i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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