you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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