My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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