I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
