Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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