i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
