She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
