Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
