cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
