You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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