i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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