escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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