When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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