Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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