hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
