my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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