I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
