The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
