Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
