i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I deserve this hangover.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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