Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
