he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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