Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
