There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
